This was written Jan 23 but not posted - thought no one was reading but got a few reviews on linkreferral that I wasn't aware of till today....... Thanks for stopping by guys!
Talking about my relationship with my mother, first I’d like to make a few things very clear. This is not an assassination of her character. My Mum is a very wonderful person and much of who I am can be attributed to her. She has been there for me through certain difficult situations in my life. Sound’s contradictory doesn’t it. It’s actually funny that we are alike in many ways and quite a lot of people seem to think we have the same mannerisms and nature. Still confused? Maybe we should understand ourselves better, maybe I’m the one that has a problem then. I’ve looked at it from that angle too. Trust me, if anyone can accept fault, I can and I’m not squeaky clean either. My Dad has always said if everyone seems to blame you or point in your direction all the time then, maybe you are the problem and you need to look inwards. I have and I’m still fine tuning myself on a daily basis but fail to see my error in this particular relationship yet.
One of the reasons I want to get to the bottom of this is so I do not to pass on whatever attitude I have cultivated from my relationship with my mother to my daughters. Some of which may not necessarily be due to any fault of hers. Bottom line, we are not friends and even if I can’t figure out why at the end of the day, I’d honestly like a change. She seems to think I am the problem. Well, I do have my faults, no doubt about that, but if we honestly look at it, is she really friends with any of her children (except for one- maybe)? Yes, she’s been there for each one of us through thick and thin, can't deny that. Yes she cares and loves but something is still missing?
The other reason, I want her to be happy. I want her to feel loved, relevant, fulfilled and accomplished. In this stage of our lives (the whole family actually) we just need to be reminiscing and enjoying each others company considering we don’t get to do that often due to time and space. I want her to know she’s done well raising us and can now breathe even when some of the choices we make are not necessarily the right ones.
Even as I write, I’m beginning to get some revelation. Who is she really friends with I ask? I’m beginning to see a trust issue. Who does she trust, who does she bare all too? I believe we all have that one person in our lives besides God who we trust enough to be vulnerable with, to be you and not to hide behind anything else. Maybe that’s what I need to know, who is she? Sounds odd, doesn’t it after almost 4 decades of my existence. Is it because I’m a mother now? Is it because I’m also working on being relatable and tearing walls down built up over the years. Identifying with my emotions, expressing and dealing with them. Is this what she needs?................I think I’m getting some hints here.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Cleaning House
OK I thought I’d be a lot more active with my blog this year but I guess I have been pretty lazy and not lived up to my own expectations. It’s not so much that I don’t have anything to say but there’s a lot of directions I could go with this and I wasn’t sure which way was next.
Before I go on, Happy New Year y’all. All through the holiday’s I was very reflective and was wondering about my next post. Like I said earlier, my thoughts have been in a lot of directions and I’ve finally ended up with relationships.
Every relationship we have is to teach, cause us to grow and eventually perfect us. The process can be very difficult sometimes but is necessary. Relationships can bring out the best or the worst in us. It’s up to us to decide what to make out of our relationships and the choices we make in reaction to a relationship can shape who we ultimately become.
God is speaking to me strongly about relationships this year (how about you?) and I’m about to work on a few myself. I actually started working on one before the end of 2007. I’m believing that by the end of 2008 I’d be singing a different tune ( I need a lot of agreement in this area). Some relationships you may decide to cut off but what do you do when you have no choice but to make it work? A relationship which has gone from bad to worse and you have no idea what you’ve actually done and when you do try to fix it you meet with great opposition. An unavoidable relationship because the person actually has a part in your existence.
It may surprise you to know that in some cases a relationship between a mother and a child can go sour. It’s kind of odd to me because I watch the relationships between my friends and their mother’s and it seems like I’m missing out on a good thing. This is my story and my fight for it begins. I’m taking back what belongs to me and I’m taking you on the journey. My primary relationship (My relationship with God) will be my strength and source during this season. I know it’s not about love because there’s no reason not to love but I hope to get to the bottom of this and I do have help. I’m not sure if this is going to help anybody but writing is therapeutic for me - the reason I share. May we all have the Peace of God in whatever storm life throws our way.
Before I go on, Happy New Year y’all. All through the holiday’s I was very reflective and was wondering about my next post. Like I said earlier, my thoughts have been in a lot of directions and I’ve finally ended up with relationships.
Every relationship we have is to teach, cause us to grow and eventually perfect us. The process can be very difficult sometimes but is necessary. Relationships can bring out the best or the worst in us. It’s up to us to decide what to make out of our relationships and the choices we make in reaction to a relationship can shape who we ultimately become.
God is speaking to me strongly about relationships this year (how about you?) and I’m about to work on a few myself. I actually started working on one before the end of 2007. I’m believing that by the end of 2008 I’d be singing a different tune ( I need a lot of agreement in this area). Some relationships you may decide to cut off but what do you do when you have no choice but to make it work? A relationship which has gone from bad to worse and you have no idea what you’ve actually done and when you do try to fix it you meet with great opposition. An unavoidable relationship because the person actually has a part in your existence.
It may surprise you to know that in some cases a relationship between a mother and a child can go sour. It’s kind of odd to me because I watch the relationships between my friends and their mother’s and it seems like I’m missing out on a good thing. This is my story and my fight for it begins. I’m taking back what belongs to me and I’m taking you on the journey. My primary relationship (My relationship with God) will be my strength and source during this season. I know it’s not about love because there’s no reason not to love but I hope to get to the bottom of this and I do have help. I’m not sure if this is going to help anybody but writing is therapeutic for me - the reason I share. May we all have the Peace of God in whatever storm life throws our way.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Grace will bring you home
December is almost over already (at least in my mind). “Where did all the time go”? I find myself asking. Time waits for no one so use your time wisely. Sounds like a cliché doesn’t it, but it’s the truth. I look back at the beginning of the year and though it may not seem like much has been accomplished, I couldn’t be more thankful for where I am today.
The year has thrown quite a few things my way and I’m sure everyone else has had their experiences, but we are still here standing. What makes me stand is nothing but an assurance of God’s grace to bring me through my struggles no matter what they maybe.
I struggled with a lot of self issues this year. Trying to be a better person is not as easy at it seems. You have to expose and admit your ugly side and begin to work on changing those areas that seem to hold you back. At first it may seem like you’d never win but “Grace” steps in and you find maybe it wasn’t as difficult as you thought it was after all. Emotions seems to play a large part in who we and how we react to situations. Our emotions are very strong and can shape our lives but then we do have a regenerated spirit within that can control our emotions and help us deal with them appropriately. In some instances, it does hurt a great deal but coming to terms with your emotions can only make you confront them, release them and bring them under control. It takes a conscious effort on your part to have the peace you desire in the midst of a storm.
I dealt with pain and disappointment which led to anger and resentment. (Not directed at God obviously). I’m still working through some of these things as they present themselves but I’ve also learnt to love through the process. The only person you can control is you and though life may throw you lemons make a conscious decision to make lemonade out of every lemon. Choose to love at all times as difficult as it may seem, even when you do not understand the actions of others. Sometimes it might be perception issue. We see things differently and what may be right in my eyes may not necessarily be right in another’s.
How do you love through hurt or pain? I learnt to lean on God the essence of Love Himself. He is truly concerned about every single little detail of your life. When you feel wronged and are going through the motions, it helps to admit you are going through them. Identify the emotions then determine how you want to deal with them. They are there and if ignored or repressed they will keep resurfacing.
A lot has been accomplished. Some battles have been won but then remember it’s only on the level you are on. There comes challenges on the next level but know that you have help at all times if only you yield to it.
Live, Learn and Love!!!!!
The year has thrown quite a few things my way and I’m sure everyone else has had their experiences, but we are still here standing. What makes me stand is nothing but an assurance of God’s grace to bring me through my struggles no matter what they maybe.
I struggled with a lot of self issues this year. Trying to be a better person is not as easy at it seems. You have to expose and admit your ugly side and begin to work on changing those areas that seem to hold you back. At first it may seem like you’d never win but “Grace” steps in and you find maybe it wasn’t as difficult as you thought it was after all. Emotions seems to play a large part in who we and how we react to situations. Our emotions are very strong and can shape our lives but then we do have a regenerated spirit within that can control our emotions and help us deal with them appropriately. In some instances, it does hurt a great deal but coming to terms with your emotions can only make you confront them, release them and bring them under control. It takes a conscious effort on your part to have the peace you desire in the midst of a storm.
I dealt with pain and disappointment which led to anger and resentment. (Not directed at God obviously). I’m still working through some of these things as they present themselves but I’ve also learnt to love through the process. The only person you can control is you and though life may throw you lemons make a conscious decision to make lemonade out of every lemon. Choose to love at all times as difficult as it may seem, even when you do not understand the actions of others. Sometimes it might be perception issue. We see things differently and what may be right in my eyes may not necessarily be right in another’s.
How do you love through hurt or pain? I learnt to lean on God the essence of Love Himself. He is truly concerned about every single little detail of your life. When you feel wronged and are going through the motions, it helps to admit you are going through them. Identify the emotions then determine how you want to deal with them. They are there and if ignored or repressed they will keep resurfacing.
A lot has been accomplished. Some battles have been won but then remember it’s only on the level you are on. There comes challenges on the next level but know that you have help at all times if only you yield to it.
Live, Learn and Love!!!!!
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The new me!
I gave my life to the Lord in the year 1991 when I found myself in a situation that I knew I could not handle on my own. My whole world came crashing down & I didn’t know where else to turn. Thankfully, I know at least one person was praying for me. A few people had witnessed to be about Christ every now and then but there was one person who stands out. He was very persistent and took time out to show Christ’s love. Maybe he did have a little something for me at the time which was not reciprocated but he never compromised his love for God. (Thank you Mr. O). Everybody relates to love and it was the true agape love shown by Mr. O that brought me to the Lord one lonely evening when I was at my wits end. I remembered everything he ever told me about God’s loves for me. I had enough of my life as I knew it and wanted out of my situation at the time. I gave my life that fateful evening in my bedroom, with tears flowing …just God & I – a wonderful experience & my life has literarily never been the same again.
It’s been many years after and I look back at where I came from and can honestly say …”If it had not been for God on my side”…… The life I led then…. Hum! I think about it sometimes and I truly cannot believe myself. I question my thoughts, judgment and actions then and find myself asking…”What were you thinking?”. I can only thank God for His grace, mercy and love for I believe that’s all that sustained me.
I wish I could tell you I became a saint from that day forward but I was far from that in fact I had up’s & down’s , high’s & lows and trust me, I’m still a work in progress. In actual fact, my truest journey in the Lord began when I rededicated my life to Him in 2003. It’s not so much that I was doing terrible things or I did not love the Lord before then, it’s just that our relationship before 2003 was at my own convenience, with a boat load of excuses to come with it. My zeal for Him was lost in the issues of life that I placed first but Thank God for Love!. He loved me enough to reel me back in. I still have not arrived, but one thing I know though is I’m a better person today than I was yesterday. For real! I strive to be a better person on a daily basis and this is not by discipline or formula but by surrender. (Remember? Not by power, not by might but by the Spirit?) Don’t get me wrong, discipline is good, formula is good (seven steps to being …..) but by living a life of surrender to God, a cleansing process began in my life that will ultimately make me the vessel He wants me to be. As I present myself as a living sacrifice, He helps me deal with those things that surface that are not part of His plan for my life. Some things I thought I had overcome resurface but by laying them down before Him and truly taking my hands off He is able to take away stuff He cannot use. Stuff that are of the flesh, stuff that have not been placed before Him for refinement. How do I check myself? – if it’s not the "Fruit of the Spirit" then it needs to go. Fruit of Spirit…Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control. My real check, the Holy Ghost in me!
So What?: (Phrase Coined from the Purpose Driven life daily devotional)
Love: Love unconditionally - sew seeds of Love and Love God with all your heart
I Cor 13; Mat 23: 37
Surrender: Give your life over to God, it’s the best thing you can ever do for yourself.
Mat 6:33
It’s been many years after and I look back at where I came from and can honestly say …”If it had not been for God on my side”…… The life I led then…. Hum! I think about it sometimes and I truly cannot believe myself. I question my thoughts, judgment and actions then and find myself asking…”What were you thinking?”. I can only thank God for His grace, mercy and love for I believe that’s all that sustained me.
I wish I could tell you I became a saint from that day forward but I was far from that in fact I had up’s & down’s , high’s & lows and trust me, I’m still a work in progress. In actual fact, my truest journey in the Lord began when I rededicated my life to Him in 2003. It’s not so much that I was doing terrible things or I did not love the Lord before then, it’s just that our relationship before 2003 was at my own convenience, with a boat load of excuses to come with it. My zeal for Him was lost in the issues of life that I placed first but Thank God for Love!. He loved me enough to reel me back in. I still have not arrived, but one thing I know though is I’m a better person today than I was yesterday. For real! I strive to be a better person on a daily basis and this is not by discipline or formula but by surrender. (Remember? Not by power, not by might but by the Spirit?) Don’t get me wrong, discipline is good, formula is good (seven steps to being …..) but by living a life of surrender to God, a cleansing process began in my life that will ultimately make me the vessel He wants me to be. As I present myself as a living sacrifice, He helps me deal with those things that surface that are not part of His plan for my life. Some things I thought I had overcome resurface but by laying them down before Him and truly taking my hands off He is able to take away stuff He cannot use. Stuff that are of the flesh, stuff that have not been placed before Him for refinement. How do I check myself? – if it’s not the "Fruit of the Spirit" then it needs to go. Fruit of Spirit…Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control. My real check, the Holy Ghost in me!
So What?: (Phrase Coined from the Purpose Driven life daily devotional)
Love: Love unconditionally - sew seeds of Love and Love God with all your heart
I Cor 13; Mat 23: 37
Surrender: Give your life over to God, it’s the best thing you can ever do for yourself.
Mat 6:33
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
In the beginning....
The idea of blogging is quite new to me & I'm not sure where I'm really going with this. One thing I know is I do love to write but I have not really considered doing anything with it. A cousin of mine suggested blogging a couple of years back but I wasn't sure that was for me till recently. "On purpose" to me just means to find out who you are, why you are her & fufill your destiny. I'm on track with that & just felt the need to write my thoughts & share my journey hopefully to inspire someone & probably further steer myself to be all that God has called me to be. Things are beginning to move in the direction of what I'm called to do. This may change along the way or from time to time but all I know is that in any season I find myself, I'd love to be able to say that I'm being obedient to the Lord & I have imparted something in at least someone's life. This is my first post and I'm looking forward to many more.
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