Who's fault is it?

This was written Jan 23 but not posted - thought no one was reading but got a few reviews on linkreferral that I wasn't aware of till today....... Thanks for stopping by guys!

Talking about my relationship with my mother, first I’d like to make a few things very clear. This is not an assassination of her character. My Mum is a very wonderful person and much of who I am can be attributed to her. She has been there for me through certain difficult situations in my life. Sound’s contradictory doesn’t it. It’s actually funny that we are alike in many ways and quite a lot of people seem to think we have the same mannerisms and nature. Still confused? Maybe we should understand ourselves better, maybe I’m the one that has a problem then. I’ve looked at it from that angle too. Trust me, if anyone can accept fault, I can and I’m not squeaky clean either. My Dad has always said if everyone seems to blame you or point in your direction all the time then, maybe you are the problem and you need to look inwards. I have and I’m still fine tuning myself on a daily basis but fail to see my error in this particular relationship yet.

One of the reasons I want to get to the bottom of this is so I do not to pass on whatever attitude I have cultivated from my relationship with my mother to my daughters. Some of which may not necessarily be due to any fault of hers. Bottom line, we are not friends and even if I can’t figure out why at the end of the day, I’d honestly like a change. She seems to think I am the problem. Well, I do have my faults, no doubt about that, but if we honestly look at it, is she really friends with any of her children (except for one- maybe)? Yes, she’s been there for each one of us through thick and thin, can't deny that. Yes she cares and loves but something is still missing?

The other reason, I want her to be happy. I want her to feel loved, relevant, fulfilled and accomplished. In this stage of our lives (the whole family actually) we just need to be reminiscing and enjoying each others company considering we don’t get to do that often due to time and space. I want her to know she’s done well raising us and can now breathe even when some of the choices we make are not necessarily the right ones.

Even as I write, I’m beginning to get some revelation. Who is she really friends with I ask? I’m beginning to see a trust issue. Who does she trust, who does she bare all too? I believe we all have that one person in our lives besides God who we trust enough to be vulnerable with, to be you and not to hide behind anything else. Maybe that’s what I need to know, who is she? Sounds odd, doesn’t it after almost 4 decades of my existence. Is it because I’m a mother now? Is it because I’m also working on being relatable and tearing walls down built up over the years. Identifying with my emotions, expressing and dealing with them. Is this what she needs?................I think I’m getting some hints here.